President Hakainde Hichilema: Evening one at State House

By Anonymous Doctoral Student

After swearing-in ceremony at National Heroes Stadium, President Hichilema returned to Statehouse. It was all sinking in now. He was relishing every moment of it. He had seen police officers and presidential security along Independence Avenue all the way to Longacres as he made his way to Plot 1. How this world changes, sometimes in a twinkle of an eye. Some of these same police officers had been wounding his supporters before rebelling against PF and Lungu for abusing their noble profession.

Quite a swearing-in ceremony it was. He liked it. Fifty thousand attendees. It was full of supporters and PF cadres who ended up voting for him anyway once the Constitutional Court confirmed that Lungu was an enemy of Zambia’s laws. Thirty-nine congratulatory calls from African head of states, the first call—surprisingly from Mugabe. Obama followed next. Then the Tanzanian, Magufuli , called even saying he dreamt I was with him at the African Union meetings as Zambia’s head of state. He was yet to return US Ambassador’s congratulatory call. So, all the talk of second round elections was just talk. His electoral win all happened in round one. From Mwinilunga to Chipata. From Kasama to Livingstone and all the towns in between. He had crisscrossed Zambia, travelling nearly 74,456 kilometers, convincing Zambians that he was the right man for the job. Zambians handed him a clean 54.8 % vote count, wiping out Lungu and his lawless PF in the first round. In other words, Zambians rejected Lungu and his train of joblessness, lawlessness, and cluelessness in management of the state.

“Let us not waste so much resources on Southern, Western, Central, and North-Western Provinces, as it will be wasted effort [because] it will not yield meaning results” Lungu had written a letter full of panic to his PF Secretary General—Davies Chama. He wanted $150,000 dollars to fuel his failed campaign. And the Constitutional Court in last week’s ruling once again told Zambians that Lungu was a criminal who had abused the laws of Zambia. All the ministers and deputies were openly stealing under Lungu’s blessings. The court vindicated what all along I had been telling Zambians about Lungu’s incompetence. For once, the court offered me ZNBC publicity. Who knows the way of God but God. Praise His name.”

UPND will have justice fall on them like a ton of bricks next week. He should his head, wondering what else Zambians did not know about Lungu’s looting.

“Iam happy Zambians overcame stupid tribalism, united to reject and vote out Lungu. He was clearly a divisive and reckless character for Zambia. How can a whole president call roughly 4.5 million citizens a “waste of resources,” threaten me, and harass GBM as if we were chicken thieves? We only differed on how to develop Zambia. Simple.” He remembered it was the way of Lungu’s friends, Museveni and Mugabe, when going against their opponents.

“Reminds me, I need to call Morgan Tsvangirai, and Dr Besigye. I need to give them a dose of hope. If I could try five times and eventually win, they too can. Mugabe is almost gone. Museveni is on borrowed time.”

President Hichilema enjoyed a moment of loneliness in his new office as President of Zambia. He looked around and shockingly found that State House staff in a hurry to clean out the office had yet to remove Lungu’s picture. He did not need a piece of history around, and any reminders of a PF government. He would remind the staff about Lungu’s picture. After all, Lungu had confessed that he did not have vision for Zambia. “A man who could not even engage in a single presidential debate. Was he really a lawyer who had practiced his trade in a courtroom? Why would I need remnants of a man who had chosen to lead Zambia blindly?”

He looked at his folder, complete with names of potential cabinet ministers, and important agenda items such as energy and mining. His cabinet ministers would be Zambia’s best brains. “First I need a Council of Economic Affairs. And these brains are right here in Zambia. Some are in the diaspora. I sold to Zambia people that I was a fixer and this was the time to prove that I was the real stuff Zambians had missed. Government will reflect Zambia’s diversity. I need to shame a few ill-advised ethnocentrists who think Iam tribalistic. They will see it in my line up, and discover that they bought into PF and Lungu’s idiocy and myopia.”

“Then of course there are ambassadors I need to have some input on. Most of Zambia’s current ambassadors have no foreign policy experience to talk about. Some were failed PF cadres, chosen on Lungu’s impulsive whims. UPND needs to send the message to the world that Zambia is back and means serious business. There are interesting people in the diaspora who have studied policy in all of its stripes—foreign policy, social policy, economic policy and what have you…. in Britain and the US. Real professionals to fuel Zambia’s resurrection from its comatose. Lungu had ignored them all these 18 months—and clearly, they did not want anything to do with him. He wrote a note for himself to communicate with Dambisa Moyo. He wanted her brains, too, and wanted anyone with a full brain including some PFs. Sensing PF electoral defeat, 10 (ten) PF ministers had called him on the eve of election saying they wanted to cross over to UPND but were scared of PF cadres. He smiled and was glad for their intention to defect to UPND.” Political homelessness at the last hour. Okay, so Watermelon was really a good fruit, he sought.

“Yes, that reminds me again about the upcoming 71st session of the United Nations Assembly due next month. 13th Sep, is it? I need to immediately arrange a meeting with Barack Obama on the sidelines of the summit. Who can arrange this expeditiously? I will let my secretary worry about organizing that meeting. I need to review the profile of the staff in Zambia’s UN and Washington Missions. These are people who could organize them. I do not know them. Are they professionals or merely another bunch of clue-less PF Cadres?”

“Lungu had campaigned on the notion that PF had constructed roads not since KK’s time in office. That was true but the vision and credit goes to man of action, Sata (RIP). Not the vision-less Lungu. He almost got into this office again, and would have gotten away with that lie. And of course, the people do not understand the mechanics of Euro Bonds. PF and partly Lungu had consigned Zambia to horrible terms of financing for these Bonds. The interest rates, fees, and renewal terms were atrociously horrible. Thank God, the Zambian people rejected him. But I have to see how to re-structure this bond financing and how to engage with IMF. Horrible, horrible, horrible. How did this person raise a debt mountain to $9 billion, adding roughly $2 billion in just 18 months? Even drunken sailors do not spend like this person. The existing terms will imprison Zambia’s grandchildren and their grandchildren for ages. And it is very sad our people did not see this, and do not understand how these debts operate. I will fix this.”

“Then the PF lawlessness that marked the campaign. How could these thugs drive with unauthorized numberless cars, arguing that the ministry of transport had authorized registration numbers such as “ECL 2016”? These thugs were probably not competent drivers much less holders of driving licenses. Some PF Cadres, according to my security drove unlit cars at night, on the right-hand side rather than on the left-hand side of the road—essentially turning into killing machines. Well, the season of lawlessness and thuggery is gone. I will fix this. My incoming minister of Home Affairs will clean out this lawlessness. There will be zero tolerance for thuggery.” He looked up the ceiling off his new office, and reached for his Sony mini Radio—still bearing scars of his campaign. He listened in to an on-going ZNBC newscast and the item was about a permanent secretary directing about unretired imprest.

“The whole ministry of information and broadcasting services will need a clean out. I repeat a cleared out. They were unprofessionally pro-Lungu during the Campaign. ZNBC did not even hide their bias against UPND and all of us in opposition. They shamelessly called themselves “Your National Broadcaster.” They discredited and disgraced journalism. They should have called themselves, “Broadcasting for Lungu and PF Nationally.” Such sewage. The ZNBC, and Radio teams, Daily Mail, Times of Zambia will need complete overhaul. Mwanza should be fired next week. I need professionalism. Iam HH, the fixer. The incoming minister will restructure these outlets. They will fall under an accountable non-partisan commission or organization. Lungu abused and misused these important organs of a democratic state.”

“Reminds me. Whatever happened to that narcissistic Kambwili who was calling himself a “Doctor”? He once called into a radio show on Raid Phoenix ostensibly to debate me on economic affairs. Yes, it was electricity and mining and so on. First of all, which Zambian swamp did Lungu pick this guy from? To say he was beyond clueless is even charitable. Every time he was on air, mouthing off his PF loyalty, I was in his line of fire and ashamed for him. But again, you get a hint of a boss from the profile of his Cabinet. I, HH, will fix this nonsense. Never again will Zambia have utter fools in a cabinet, and idiots for government spokespeople. He must be the first thug to pay the taxpayers money they received while being in office illegally. The courts must deflate his ego quickly.”

President Hichilema wondered about unemployment in Zambia. He needed to eliminate that big elephant in Zambia.

“How did PF and Lungu tolerate a youth unemployment rate of nearly 11%? His friend Museveni has youth unemployment of about 62-75%. Even controlling for population, this number is unacceptable. And the miners are people pricking my heart. Lungu sent about 5,000 of them into the street because of his “chipantepante” approach to mining policy. No, UPND will get these jobs back and fix this tragedy. How can a rich country like Zambia endure the paradox of beggars beneath whose feet are billions of dollars in minerals? Shame. Unacceptable”.

“And then of course there is the health care in this country. PF and Lungu were not presiding over a health care system. There were in charge of a huge disease-uncaring system. PF and Lungu did not care. What else do you think of a man who thinks Morning Side Clinic of South Africa is his UTH? No, not UPND. We will move every stone to introduce Health Care in Zambia. UTH is nothing but Unimaginable Terrible Horror. When Iam out of here, I want every Zambian to know that HH was in deed a real fixer.”

Just then, the State House Chef brings a kettle of tea and sets it on the president’s centre table. “Mr. President, just plain tea. No milk. We are still setting up Statehouse Kitchen. Still clearing and getting rid of bottles upon bottles of Jameson Whisky from the pantry. Ba Lungu..”.

“It is Okay,” he says, cutting off the Chef, mid-way his sentence as the Chef turned to exit the office. Zambians had put up for 18 months with a president who loved his bottle. I guess the election was also a chance to bring sobriety to Statehouse. Mutinta walks in. HH could see that the usually humble and subdued Mutinta had a sparkle in her eyes. Her world had changed as well. She was now First Lady Mutinta Hichilema.
“Ba HH….you are already fixing stuff,” she said smiling. “ You should come for dinner.” He tossed the folder into the upper drawer and headed for dinner. It would be his first night as President of Zambia. Persistence pays and luck comes to those who never give up, he thought as he laid his hand on Mutinta’s shoulder.