slide 1
slide 1
Image Slide 2
Image Slide 2

I love you: Terms and conditions apply (Part 9)

Filed under: Advise Corner,Special Comments |

Mwaba Mutale continues telling his story

Mwaba with julia

Mwaba with julia

Julia had one weakness, she loved cigarettes.. she wasn’t so much of a drinker but she loved fi fwaka. She however respected the fact that I hate cigarettes and smoking and whenever we are together, she never lit a smoke!!!!

However, on one fateful day, seems ichilaka cha fwaka chalimuchita ububi. She really needed a pack of cigarettes. But she was already locked in doors. So she decided to call me, “hey boo, how far are you?”, I answered “am in woodlands baby boo, but be headed home soon.” “Ok that’s awesome, do you mind getting me a pack of Pall Mall or any other brand of cigarettes by Spar Downtown?” She asked….

“But babe, you know I hate your smoking habit, I know in Europe it’s normal but around here it’s not cultural for women to smoke, women who smoke are considered too adventurous and naughty. anyway let me get you a pack or two” I told her……and that is how I cut the phone and said good bye to some mates I was visiting and jumped on a town bus.

I went by Spar Downtown and reaching there I just went straight to the counters…You know most chain stores usually a lot of assorted goods by the counters. Most stores like shoprite, pick n pay and even spar usually have chocolate, condoms and off course what I was looking for, cigarettes….I got to the counters, there was no cue it being a sunday.

Reaching there, I picked two packs of cigarettes, left Pall Mall alone and decided to buy Dunhill for her..”But again didn’t she say Pall Mall” I thought as I was busy chosing

But as I was busy shopping for my mushangaz, busy sorting out which smoke tastes better and trying to select between Pall Mall and Dunhill like a husband who has been forced to go shop for chicken pieces after work and now he is busy picking out pack after after pack for madam, a small voice said to me, “You know they all kill right?”,

“Who the hell said that?” I quizzed myself in my heart… why can’t Zambians learn to mind their own bloody busines”. So I lifted up my head to see ninani kolokombwa wamulomo trying to poke their huge nose in my business.

But as soon as I lifted up my head with the attitude of a cadre to spread my venom, I was disarmed, awe struck and left jaw dropped and mouth open, there she sat by the counter, I will never forget that sight till the Day my ass sees the grave, SIBONGILE DLAMINI KHUMALO!!!

If you think you have seen cute girls in life, you ain’t seen nothing!!! I can swear your wives and girlfriends ain’t got nothing on this pretty little thing from the Drankesburg Mountains!!!

You have heard the saying, ONCE YOU GO BLACK, YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK!!! Well yeah that shit’s true.

Sibo was just in a league of her own. Natural beauty with short little hair like, a fair natural complexion, no Nike shaped trimmed eyebrows as if she’s excited, bright white teeth and a smile that made her resemble Alicia Keys and to top it up she had a long chassis (she was fairly tall and slender but with enough meat to her T-Bone (reasonable ass)…

I stood there like for a minute, not saying any word, just amazed at what God can create. “Aside from the Victoria Falls, the gods are able to create such rare species”, I whispered to myself….

It’s true what they say that every guy turns single when he meets a beautiful woman!! I almost threw the packs of cigarettes down and was ready to deny I ever knew any woman at that point, swear I would have even denied my own mother.

“You should stop smoking sir” she said as a way to break the ice and as she punched in the price code for the cigarettes. “I, I, I don’t smoke madam” I said as I tried to force out a few words while stammering in my chibwibwi tone!!!

“Then what are these for?” She asked as she packed the two pack in the white and green plastic bag written Spar…”Well, they are for my gra, gra, graaaand father” I lied with eyes wide open like an unlicensed young motorist who has just been told ‘Park here’ by a Traffic officer..

She just laughed, handed me the plastic and it’s contents and counted my change handed it to me and sat waiting for the next customer….

At this point I didn’t know what to do..should I greet her again, ask her whether she thinks the vegetables in Spar are fresher than in shoprite? Should I ask her for her number? Or whether her parents are still alive? “Am making a fool out of myself”, i thought to myself as that silent voice in my head spoke to me, “I might as well ask her what color of panties she’s wearing, or what color of bra’s she prefers to wear on Sunday”…ahhhhh am going crazy, let me get the hell out of this store before am arrested for idle standing or mistaken for a thief planning a night robbery and is now studying the openings.


Just there and then, I knew I was awe struck, I had seen the missing piece in my puzzle to life, light a kid struck with a heavy bolt of diarrhea, there was little to nothing I could do, SHE MUST BE THE ONE!!!

“Iwe mambala, nga aka musungu kobe?? And don’t forget your ass is Still in the Priesthood” I scolded myself as I sat the back seat of the blue bus going to makeni..still I got no answers, I had seen a fairy sight!!!

Well I got to Julia’s place, for the first time in six months I wasn’t so eager nor was I excited to see her. I picked up a little blue stone and approached towards the black metal gate..”Nko-nko-nko-nko” I knocked on her gate with stone I had picked…knocked again, Julia peeped on her window and shouted “coming my love, let me come open the lock”…

The famous saying is “These Whores ain’t Loyal”, but equally I can testify “Us Niggars Aint Loyal too”!!! At the point in time, I think I understood why married men, with their potbellies do foolish things. See the love of a woman is dangerous, it’s magnetic, and it catches you like a fish in kariba dam caught in a net of a tiny fisherman. That’s why married men go to NIPA OR UNZA to check out young maidens, that’s why midalas leave their families starving and go to rent flats their side chicks in Kabwata and stock their fridges as if it’s a wholesale shop! Love can make you do stupid and senseless shit!!!

Ok back to the story…

It was chilly that Sunday evening (no wonder Julia wanted the cigarettes).. she made some hot tea for me and put some milk and came I sat on my laps while holding my head and playing with my long dark Afro (I had not gone bald back then)…I tried to act and pretend nothing was wrong but trust me brothers you can’t lie to a woman who knows you..

“What’s wrong my love?, is everything ok? Is any of the senior priests bothering you?” She asked me while looking me in the eyes…”nothing love, am ok, guess am just tired and plus am not a fun of this weather”…I replied while looking down into my tea trying to avoid eye contact.

“Well if you say so” she said in a calm quiet but suspicious voice..”well I must get going, it’s late and I don’t Wana miss evening prayers” I said…”Ok good bye my love”…and that is how I rushed out….

As I walked home, I just heard my message tone, it was a message from Julia “YOU DIDNT EVEN KISS ME GOODBYE”……I didn’t even reply, just put the phone back in my pockets and continued walking silently back home..

Keep following in Part 10 and see how a beautiful love story gets corrupted and betrayed. NOT ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD…

Till Next time, it’s adios amigos from your friend Pishamo Pen as he says I LOVE YOU, BUT TERMS AND CONDITIONS ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,APPLY!!!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.