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I love you: Terms and conditions apply (Part 10)

Filed under: Advise Corner,Latest News,Special Comments |
Mwaba with Julia

Mwaba with Julia

By Mwaba Mutale


Why do married men cheat??? Why do boyfriends with the most beautiful women cheat? What do men want Kanshi?


Asking these questions is like asking which came first, The hen or the egg??? Ufwile wa bailamo ibange ilikali bad to understand certain stunts that men pull in life.


It’s never enough for a man, the word ‘enough’ just doesn’t exist in a man’s world, especially in the early years of his life…adults mature and retire from bullshit, but young men seem to enjoy living dangerously


That was me at one time, a cocky young man. Was already with a very cute and lovely Julia. Julia was white but yali ni nkaka, she had the stubbornness of a Lozi woman, she had the talktime and amplified mouth kwati waku Chinsali, oh she run her mouth and talked like them talkative bemba women, she had the calmness which can be some times mistaken for ukupwalala of an SDA attending and Sabbath loving UPND Tonga woman, and lastly and most importantly, she had the hips and skills of a Northwesterner, she could shake her hips kwati nika kaonde mixed naka Ka Lunda………And she had the Pretty face of a Namwanga…


And yet here was Mwaba, busy behaving like Mainga Mwanga, busy looking for new meat in the Name of Sibo…


That night after supper I didn’t even say my night prayers, forgot about my two J’s (Jesus and Julia) and I think two new S’s (Satan and Sibo) must have have been tempting me that night….


“Anyway it will pass” I thought to myself…..


Following day woke up, Sibo was still on my mind….How was this possible? Somebody I knew so little about could take so much of my time???


I went for my morning prayer and mass ninshi amano yalifye kumbi, ku Spar downtown, ninshi apo na Julia natumu posa  kale mu dust bin….


Around 12 hours, was still thinking about Sibo, like Shaka Zulu her ancestor, this chick from the South had pierced my soul with her asegai.


I decided to do something about it..sneak out of seminary and go get her number. You know back then we didn’t have Facebook to our use like it is now or i would have simply searched and inboxed her. Back then all love connections and contacts were done manually.Good part was At least the risk of Facebook where one admires a photoshoped profile picture and falls in love and when time for meeting comes only to meet an alien was cut. Back then you had to start a real conversation, face to face or send in an undercover agent.


So I snuck out around 13 on a Monday, just after lunch while the senior priests were still resting. I walked all the way to kafue road which was just about 7minutes from our house. The bus conductor signaled “mukwela bigge?” I signaled the affirmative. Before getting on of course had to negotiate “niliche na 2500 boi”, I pandililad, “fakaniponi inkale 3” the conductor said, “awe boi, ndiye ndalama zilipo” I replied..ok kwelani…Back then we had those plastic money of ama 5 zale and one pin that cabbage oh sorry mwanawasa and magande introduced for us which used to fade and end up looking like a plastic bag..


Reached downtown, and didn’t know whether to go into Spar or do a bit of spying first…I was like a man possessed. today I look back at those days and I laugh at myself when I think of those useless stunts I used to pull. But anyway no regrets, it’s like i was committing a crime, was just growing up.


Anyway, back to the narrative..


So how was I to get the number, how was I even to approach her? And say what??? Thousands upon thousands of customers come into Spar, you telling me they don’t see her? What if she already has a boyfriend? and there I was in my red Manchester United Jersey (which was for winners back then, inonshita ba Man U chimo na Chipolopolo, fikolopo, balipwa nge ule yamu chawama iyakota noku lusa market)…


“Ahhh! I’ve got it!” I thought to myself…there was a guard from Coin Security standing at the door, he was marking receipts..”that’s my passport” I stupidly thought to myself..


So I approached the malonda and called him by the side kwati Ndefwaya ukupusha isampo..he looked at me with a very serious face and approached me, baba na serious and especially that I called him ba officer, bena bakula nomutwe kumona kwati niba kapokola…


“Mudala I need a favour” I hinted to this manselebende. “Mufuna chani? Musanipishishe nchito, nili na bana six and maake ali na mimba ya number 7”


….hmmmm iwe kapoli tekanya! Who said anything about kukupishisha nchito….I thought to myself


So I produced a 10 pin and handed it to him. I could see that his face instantly became relaxed, aponya ne nkanshi (wrinkles) on his forehead…


Ok so mufuna chani bazungu banga??? he asked..(I had now changed from boi to bazungu)..


“Mudala ni small pressure che” I said…”Just get me the number for that girl seated over the counter there” I said.While pointing to Sibo while my heart skipped a beat….”ah no problem”…he replied with the confidence of a cadre


And that’s how he disappeared and left his post un-manned for like 5 minutes. He returned and handed me a ka small paper kwati ale mpela ibange and just said, “mudala musanitomole, nili na bana 4 (he reduced from the original count of 6)..”shift Yao isila pa 18, so please mutume after then”…


“Zikomo mudala! biggie nimwebo” I replied and was soon on my way feeling like a legend…as if I’ve been handed the Davinci code…


I got home safely and none of the priests noticed I was away…


18 hours was our community evening  prayer time which we called Vespers in Latin…Around 18:45 we sang the Ave Maria, Latin Marian song  which went something like “Ave Regina Caelorum, Ave, Domina Angelorum: Salve, radix, salve, porta Ex qua mundo lux est orta: Gaude, Virgo gloriosa,Super omnes speciosa” (I can clearly remember and read and write my Latin till today even with all the Jameson)….


Immediately after the prayers were over, instead of going to watch the main news oftenly read by one Francis Ndovi as was customary at that time, I went straight to my room and picked my phone and the number my security man had collected for me..


So I dialed ‘0966720290’ and had my finger crossed…finally I was gonna speak to her, I said to myself while motivating myself and giving myself that pep talk…


Guess what happened??? After dialing I just head “tutututu” and the line cut…I thought am just being anxious and might have missed a digit and dialed the line again, this time extra carefully, only to hear that ka stupid annoying girl’s voice “The number you have dialed does not exist, please check the number and dial again”..


Shit, ango’nga chi***** ulya . ? ? ? ?


Boy did the rest of the night became sour…19:30 I went for supper but had no appetite nor motivation. Didn’t eat…


Later in the evening after supper, I went to the recreational room and sat watching a series called My Three sisters with that tall guy Santiago…Around 20:30 the phone rang “ngri ngri ngri”, looked at the caller, it was one Julia. Just looked at it and let it ring itself out..I was so depressed, my night was ruined, I didn’t Wana do anything nor speak to anybody..


After about 5 minutes a text came “baby are you ok? Should i come see you? Please talk to me am worried; love always Julia”


Just looked at it and decided to go sleep…


While in my room decided to try one more time, bantu bandi wala!!! Decided to put a 97 in place of 96, zero…I was like a stranded girlfriend given talktime with one digit missing, just so frustrated!!!! Anyway let me just sleep!!! “But Anya chatile Chalwe ulya kamalonda. ale bwesha 10 sawa yandi” I angrily thought !!!!


Let’s end part 10 here as I plot to ambush the guard. the story continues in your favourite series I LOVE YOU: TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY…


Read other parts on


Happy weekend….


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